Divorcing “Should”

“DON’T ‘SHOULD’ ME,” I said to Stevie once, when they said I should go for a walk because it was nice outside.

Sometimes I can’t go outside, because I’m overwhelmed with emotions or process; sometimes, I just don’t fucking feel like it.

“You’re right,” they responded. “I’m probably just saying you should do it because I think I should.”

“I’m not trying to ‘should’ you either,” I said.

“Should I do this?” we query, of ourselves, of one another. “I probably should have done that.” When I hear the word in a question now, I almost always respond the same way: “I’m not here to ‘should’ you.” If I do find myself giving advice while ,invoking “should,” I quickly un-invoke it, with apology, and explain that I try not to use it anymore.

I am not nearly so good at avoiding it with my own self. I should eat something, I thought earlier today, when I was happily zipping around on a caffeine buzz, though I know my body will reach for food, automatically, when I need it. I should put my phone down to focus, I thought between the last two paragraphs, when I picked it up to share a photo. Who fucking cares? I could have finished that text in the extra moments I took to judge myself for doing it. My self-“should”ing takes, I’d estimate, easily a quarter of my energy on any given day.

😭