2 min read

A Tale of Two Dick Surfaces

Weirdest. Life Metaphor. Ever.
A green safety sign shows an illustrated figure climbing out a window onto a ladder, leading with one leg that has a line drawn across it toward the tip like a glans, as well as a urethral slit. The caption reads “In case of emergency, hurl your enormous penis out the nearest window, and climb to safety.”
Texted to me by my friend Erin, because she cares.

THE WAY THAT a penis made out of another piece of your body works (#TheMoreYouKnow) is: You generally get electrolysis on that part first, zapping hairs out of your arm or leg (or abdomen, if that’s your jam) for months or probably more like a year-plus beforehand. Because if a part of that part is going to be made into a tunnel you pee out of, it needs to be clear. And even if you’re not going to pee out of that part, say because you’re keeping your vagina and the complication rate for keeping your vagina and re-routing your urethra through your new glorious peen is high, you might still get electrolysis, or laser hair removal at least. Because otherwise, you’ve got yourself a hairy phallus.

“They did a great job,” one of my surgeons said of my hairless right thigh the day before I went in for surgery. It was covid-lockdown times, so I hadn’t gotten nearly as many laser appointments as one normally would. After the stitches healed, some hair started growing back in, so I went to electrolysis over and over again with my dear friend Katie. But then I moved into a moving house and left town, wandering the West Coast for the last nine months without a trusted peen-electrolysis-provider to visit.

This post is for subscribers only